Aw, poor KFC.  The fast food company was fined $600,000 this Tuesday by the Federal Communications Commission and ordered to discontinue all broadcasts containing “false and misleading suggestions” that its heated chicken products are intended for consumption.

Hee!  According to FCC chairman, Michael Copps:

“KFC’s claim that its fried offerings have ‘that taste you’ll just love to eat’ is in direct violation of federal regulations… The word ‘eat’ is legally permissible only in reference to substances appropriate for human consumption. Any implication that a consumer could or should ‘enjoy’ a KFC Crispy Strip fails to meet these standards, and presents an unlawful deception to consumers.  Any future appeals by KFC for the public to ingest its products will be met with swift legal action…”

The FCC is working with the Federal Trade Commission to defend consumers from “blatant untruths regarding the edibility of KFC menu items” and have now issued a list of acceptable words and phrases the restaurant can use.  The FCC has approved the use of “purchase,” “be near to,” “look at,” and “hold” but not “eat” (that makes me laugh), “feast on,” and “taste”.

Listen folks, you have to be worried about what this place is serving if they aren’t even allowed to say you can eat it.

Not only that but the Federal officials have regulations on what the people in the ads can be shown doing to “reduce the risk that viewers may become confused and attempt to ingest a KFC Snacker”!  No longer can we see a family sitting in a kitchen, dining room or any space generally associated with “the act of eating”.  Forks?  Knives?  Nope.  No utensils of any kind.  Nor is there people chewing, rubbing their bellies, or (ewwww!) exiting a bathroom stall “with a look of relief that suggests they have digested the product”.  Um, that is just nasty.  Who thinks up this stuff?

Copps goes on to say:

“At no point should these commercials depict persons willfully placing KFC items anywhere within the designated ‘eating zone,'” said Copps, referring to the federally defined area extending in an 8-inch radius around the mouth. “Nor should individuals be seen manipulating the chicken in a manner that may bring it into contact with their lower facial region, or the lower facial region of a child or companion animal. In fact, children under the age of 8 are not allowed to appear in the ads in any form.”

KFC executives have pulled the offending ads from television airwaves.  They had this to say:

“We are cooperating fully with the federal government to ensure all our future ad campaigns comply with official guidelines,” KFC spokesperson Mark Dunn told reporters before conferring briefly with FCC agents. “Remember, we still offer many great-looking, purchasable things—such as our Extra Crispy legs and wings—and we invite everyone to come on down and obtain them for whatever use they deem appropriate.”

And there you have it.  The Federal Government says the crap that’s served at KFC shouldn’t be advertised as food.  Add that to the carcinogens found in their new grilled chicken and what do you get?  A company that not only kills a billion chickens a year but could also be killing the humans with cancer.  The only shocking part I guess at this point is that they still get business….

UPDATE: Please be aware that this article was pulled from the Onion, which is a parody paper.  It has been brought to my attention that my article does not address that and we would like to apologize to anyone if they were confused.  We linked to the original article, but as pointed out, some may not click on the link.  We regret our error and will be more cautious in the future.  Thank you to everyone who pointed it out.