By Published On: 9 November 2016726 words3.6 min read

I found out that my mom had cancer on August 24, 2016.

My mother didn’t tell me herself; she asked my aunt to tell me.

I understood my mother’s reluctance to tell me herself. How do you tell the people you love that there’s a possibility that you could die much sooner than anyone could ever imagine? I don’t know that I’d have had the words either.

There was a tumor, and it was sizable. A rare condition further complicated cancer that many doctors had only heard of but never treated.

A mother helping her young daughter with a dance pose on a sidewalk.

Family Can Be Complicated

It’s strange how one word can change everything. Cancer.

Truth be told, my mom and I weren’t speaking when I found out about cancer. We had an argument that hadn’t been resolved and carried on as the weeks turned into months.

My family and I have always had a complicated relationship, as people who love each other fiercely often do. We are a family of big opinions and even bigger personalities; it’s not uncommon for disagreements to occur now and again.

It seems so utterly silly now. Whatever our disagreements were faded away with the news of her diagnosis, we never spoke of them again.

Instead, we came together to fight cancer as a family.

A young woman sitting among the bushes, smiling.

Time Moves Fast

My mom was very sick well before she received an official diagnosis.

By the time the doctors drafted a treatment plan, it was too late. She required hospitalization and around-the-clock care.

Those weeks spent in the hospital seem like a blur now.

My life was a daily two-hour drive back and forth to the hospital where I’d spend ten and eleven hour days in the ICU, holding my mom’s hand. I drank copious amounts of crappy coffee I bought in the hospital cafeteria filled with Meatless Monday advertisements but zero non-dairy creamers or food options.

During this time, I also began caring for my parent’s five cats. Their five, along with my own, brought the number of animals I was taking care of to fifteen. To say it was a lot is a gross understatement.

And then, six weeks almost to the day from my aunt’s phone call, my mom died. It was the middle of the night. My father, her husband of 43 years, was at her side.

I was on the way when it happened, but I arrived 20 minutes too late.

My mom was just 61 years young.

Grief & Loss

I’ve sat down two hundred times to write this post, each time failing to find the right words to say how much my mom meant to me.

My mom was my first and very best friend. The hole in my life that her absence has left is so encompassing, so engulfing that some (most) days, it’s hard to breathe.

I’m completely and utterly lost without her. I’m unsure of what to do and how to go on.

It’s only been one month, but it feels like an entire lifetime has passed.

A young woman and her mother posing and smiling for the camera.

Saying Goodbye

It’s hard to say goodbye.

I wanted to tell you about how beautiful and kind my mom was; it was her love of animals that inspired my own.

My mom taught me how to tie my shoes, ride my bike, and braid my hair. She taught me to love books and the knowledge that they contain.

An artist herself, she always encouraged me to imagine and create art. Sketching, painting, sculpting, or crafting, nothing was out of the realm of her talent.

Hours were spent handcrafting cards mailed to her loved ones in abundance. A holiday or special occasion never passed without a card in the mail from my mom.

She was enamored with all things that glitter; rocks, the afternoon sun on the water, gemstones, sequins, and, of course, glitter itself.

I’ll always see her in everything that sparkles.

I wanted to write a beautiful post about what a fantastic person my mom was, but grief isn’t beautiful. It’s dark, it’s ragged, and it’s ugly. I am suffocating with sorrow, and talking about my mom isn’t all that easy yet.

I don’t have the perfect, beautiful words to say it yet, but she was loved so very much.

I’m going to miss her forever.

By Published On: 9 November 2016726 words3.6 min read

I found out that my mom had cancer on August 24, 2016.

My mother didn’t tell me herself; she asked my aunt to tell me.

I understood my mother’s reluctance to tell me herself. How do you tell the people you love that there’s a possibility that you could die much sooner than anyone could ever imagine? I don’t know that I’d have had the words either.

There was a tumor, and it was sizable. A rare condition further complicated cancer that many doctors had only heard of but never treated.

A mother helping her young daughter with a dance pose on a sidewalk.

Family Can Be Complicated

It’s strange how one word can change everything. Cancer.

Truth be told, my mom and I weren’t speaking when I found out about cancer. We had an argument that hadn’t been resolved and carried on as the weeks turned into months.

My family and I have always had a complicated relationship, as people who love each other fiercely often do. We are a family of big opinions and even bigger personalities; it’s not uncommon for disagreements to occur now and again.

It seems so utterly silly now. Whatever our disagreements were faded away with the news of her diagnosis, we never spoke of them again.

Instead, we came together to fight cancer as a family.

A young woman sitting among the bushes, smiling.

Time Moves Fast

My mom was very sick well before she received an official diagnosis.

By the time the doctors drafted a treatment plan, it was too late. She required hospitalization and around-the-clock care.

Those weeks spent in the hospital seem like a blur now.

My life was a daily two-hour drive back and forth to the hospital where I’d spend ten and eleven hour days in the ICU, holding my mom’s hand. I drank copious amounts of crappy coffee I bought in the hospital cafeteria filled with Meatless Monday advertisements but zero non-dairy creamers or food options.

During this time, I also began caring for my parent’s five cats. Their five, along with my own, brought the number of animals I was taking care of to fifteen. To say it was a lot is a gross understatement.

And then, six weeks almost to the day from my aunt’s phone call, my mom died. It was the middle of the night. My father, her husband of 43 years, was at her side.

I was on the way when it happened, but I arrived 20 minutes too late.

My mom was just 61 years young.

Grief & Loss

I’ve sat down two hundred times to write this post, each time failing to find the right words to say how much my mom meant to me.

My mom was my first and very best friend. The hole in my life that her absence has left is so encompassing, so engulfing that some (most) days, it’s hard to breathe.

I’m completely and utterly lost without her. I’m unsure of what to do and how to go on.

It’s only been one month, but it feels like an entire lifetime has passed.

A young woman and her mother posing and smiling for the camera.

Saying Goodbye

It’s hard to say goodbye.

I wanted to tell you about how beautiful and kind my mom was; it was her love of animals that inspired my own.

My mom taught me how to tie my shoes, ride my bike, and braid my hair. She taught me to love books and the knowledge that they contain.

An artist herself, she always encouraged me to imagine and create art. Sketching, painting, sculpting, or crafting, nothing was out of the realm of her talent.

Hours were spent handcrafting cards mailed to her loved ones in abundance. A holiday or special occasion never passed without a card in the mail from my mom.

She was enamored with all things that glitter; rocks, the afternoon sun on the water, gemstones, sequins, and, of course, glitter itself.

I’ll always see her in everything that sparkles.

I wanted to write a beautiful post about what a fantastic person my mom was, but grief isn’t beautiful. It’s dark, it’s ragged, and it’s ugly. I am suffocating with sorrow, and talking about my mom isn’t all that easy yet.

I don’t have the perfect, beautiful words to say it yet, but she was loved so very much.

I’m going to miss her forever.

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  1. Jacky Montgomery November 12, 2016 at 9:13 am - Reply

    I understand your pain only too well. When I lost my Mum I couldn’t understand why there was this huge black hole where my heart used to be. I hurt, and not metaphorically either, the pain was real. If I could have opted out of life and gone with her I would.
    A year and a half on and I can still sob my heart out at the thought that I can’t tell her this or show her that but mostly life is fine again. It goes on and you will find a way to move past the pain.If I could hug you I would. Take care of yourself XX

  2. Marietta November 10, 2016 at 10:30 am - Reply

    Sorry to hear of the loss of your mother My deepest sympathy to you and your family at this sad time.

  3. Darby November 10, 2016 at 7:13 am - Reply

    Sweet Girl, my own awesome Mom died August 20, 2015 from a rare and aggressive form of breast cancer. She fought valently for nearly three years. I miss her every day. I always will. She was everything to me and the foundation of who I am.
    Try to focus on the love you shared with your dear mother and all the goodness she gave with her life. Honor her with your own continuation of goodness and keep her close in your heart.
    I wish you peace.

  4. Namrata November 10, 2016 at 6:18 am - Reply

    Oh. So sorry for your loss dear. Can’t imagine how tough it would be for you coping with all this… Caring for your parents, their cats, your own animals, your career…. Your mother sounds like an amazing person. It’s really sad she’s no more. Strength to you dear.

  5. Sarah November 9, 2016 at 3:59 pm - Reply

    I’m so sorry for your loss. The thought of losing a parent frightens me every day so I can’t imagine what you’re going thru. I hope you know there’s ppl youve never met who are thinking about you and wishing you good things. My hearts breaking for you. Positive vibes hunny and lots of love. xoxo

  6. Cadry November 9, 2016 at 3:50 pm - Reply

    There are no words to soften your grief, but I want you to know that I weep for your loss. Your mother sounds like a very special human being.